Serious question. Im new to posting, so if Im doing this wrong please let me know 🙂
I am in my 30s and the door is closing on the potential to have a child, which my partner and I do want. The only problem is finances. We live quite alright at the moment. My career is finally feeling like a career, but my research has shown that whichever parent stays home with kiddo (and one of us would, daycare costs suck) ends up with a nerfed career should they try to return to work after the kid is school aged. And 100% we’d want to be able to pay someone to help here and there. Just dealing with home repair, older vehicles, and no parents who live close means we definitely would need a break here and there… and it would be nice to be able to afford that to have a date night here and there. Add to that all the scaries of pregnancy (potential death, permanant incontinence risk, changed body, list goes on) and the world we’re currently in and… you get it.
On the flip side. Tons of folks are childfree, so there wouldn’t be any shortage of people willing to travel and stay up late on weekends alongside us. We could prioritize fun, including… drum roll please… my lifelong dream of having a horse. We don’t own land, so costs would go to a boarding facility, a vehicle that can tow a trailer, and care/training for the beast. Id never have tk wonder if I have enough time and money to care for both a kiddo and a horse.
Now, I get that this may read like I’ve already made up my mind. I love the idea of having a child, sharing the world with them, watching them grow into their own person. My partner would be a stable and fantastic parent. But the cons against it feel real. Can I ask for opinions? I am particularly interested in the pro-child ones. Thanks!
Tldr: pros and cons of having kid vs horse seem unfairly stacked. Help lmao.
Edit: Thank you everyone for your replies! I enjoyed reading them. I think a few people took the question too literally and/or believed I would really base such a huge decision on the opinion of internet strangers. That is not true. I did appreciate all the perspectives, however. The horse I refer to would be a real horse, but it also refers to all the other things in life a child free existence has brought those who live that lifestyle.
Barring extreme circumstances, we actually already have decided to have children. I REALIZE THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL DECISION. Each individual must decide for themselves what seems best for them personally. Our friend group is incredibly child free for various reasons, all of which are good reasons that I respect and Im happy for them that they are resolute in their choices. All are lovely around kids. They just knew or decided parenthood wasn’t what they wanted for themselves, and that’s ok.
Just for funsies - Reasons I’m Ambivalent about the Horse:
Without owning land for a horse, boarding sucks and there are always other options. I have connections to take a riding lesson here or there if the horsey itch ever arose, for instance. It is much cheaper to volunteer and take lessons or lease a horse. That and, yes, the horse care never ends and it remains a horse. I’ve been to rescues where amazing horses are surrendered without a second thought because they became too old or ill to ride, and the owner didn’t want an animal around costing money they couldn’t ride. Sad. Meanwhile, a child will learn, grow, and eventually become a full fledged human being if all goes well.
I know the world looks like its headed in a terrible direction sometimes, but I also believe it’s good to have people who care to have children that they want to raise as good and caring individuals. Biology tells us (or society does) to have kids and so we do, but I also think no one should have a child if they aren’t ready to care for them. So many kids are born to parents who end up ill equipped to have them. Regret is frowned upon in parenting circles, but absolutely exists. Our children will never be saddled with such burdens. To piggyback onto this…
I do disagree with those who say if youre questioning whether to have kids, don’t have them. Questioning is a great way to consider new angles and ways of thinking you might not have bothered examining before.
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If you have to ask for advice on what to choose, definitely don’t have a kid. The child has no say in being born, your roof is their floor. You should have your mind set on giving that kid the best life you can and the life they deserve. I personally have a mother that likes to remind me that she gave up her life, goals, dreams, and her body for her kids (me and my siblings). That feeling that I somehow ruined her life with her choice to have me is draining. No kid should have to feel like its their fault that you decided to have them. So if you are unsure if you want to have a kid or buy a horse, you should buy a horse. Because deep down you could start resenting your child because you decided to have them instead of getting your horse. I understand that you are going about this logically, but I still believe if you are questioning the two, the horse is the safer option, as you can sell a horse when you no longer wish to deal with it. A child, you don’t really have that option or freedom.
This is just my opinion and personal experience, but people that really want a child don’t really debate with themselves over whether they should have a child or a pet. Yea, it’s a big, expensive, and rideable pet, but that seems to be what it boils down to. Based on that, I’m feeling that you don’t want a kid.
This is the right answer. If you really wanted child(ren), you’d have done it already without asking random internet people.
Don’t listen to the FOMO, you already know the answer. Close that door and open a different one.
I have kids and I love them so much, but I have had to give up a lot for them. I will never burden them with my struggles or sacrifices, I made the choice to have them, they didn’t.
If you are willing to trade a lot of time, money, more time, more money, some sanity and all if your patience, without thinking twice, you want a family. Also, if you and your spouse are emotionally unstable or unwell, you are going to put that into a child’s life. Not everyone who can have a family should have one.
One of mine is disabled. It is a LOT. I don’t know that he will ever have a normal life. Are you OK to potentially care for one of them for the rest of your life?
There is NOTHING wrong with a child free life. Most people don’t consciously choose a family, they just follow a very powerful instinct, having kids doesn’t make someone special.
One of mine is disabled. It is a LOT. I don’t know that he will ever have a normal life. Are you OK to potentially care for one of them for the rest of your life?
Bruh, I have depression and my mother is already treating me like I have a disability and a “useless eater” and “burden to society” even though I helped her with her small bussiness, and now they threatened to leave me with none of their assets (as in like inheritance) and giving it all to my older brother.
Jesus christ lol, I wish my soul got incarnated into a different family, wtf is this?!?
Imagine your future child reads this vapid post. How would they feel, their entire existence and your responsibility for raising them into functional adults set against a fucking horse?
Does your partner want a horse, or is it just you?
Also, same question, but with the baby.
How are you both this ambivalent about having a child in 2025??
Finally a good use for the decoration I hung up my place some years ago!
If you have to ask for advice for having a child don’t. Don’t bring a child into this world unless you are 100% all in regardless of what others (besides your partner of course) say.
The child has no say in being born, so the parents should be 100% ready for it. Anything less isn’t fair to him or her.
To add to that, I like to say there’s no bad reason to not have kids. Any reason you can think of that you shouldn’t have a kid, that’s a great reason. There are lots of bad reasons to have kids though.
If you are questioning whether or not to become a parent, then you should not become a parent. This is something that you should be 100% on-board with, not something you are unsure.
Fwiw, I’m childfree and have absolutely zero regrets. If anything, life and world events since I fully committed to my decision (i.e. surgery) have reinforced my choice.
I agree that OP doesn’t seem that enthusiastic, but questioning whether or not you’re 100% on-board with having a child is something every parent should do.
Indeed, I would be extremely skeptical of myself if I ever felt 100% about anything, let alone a decision as big as this. That alone would make me force myself to ask for second opinions from as many different people as possible.
I get the sentiment, and of course one needs to be fairly sure about a thing like this, but nobody should ever feel 100% about anything. Only way that happens is if you either willingly ignore or are ignorant of a lot of things on the other sides of the metaphorical coins. Everything in life is a chaotic mess with so many layers and dimensions that it’d be impossible to navigate it with any certainty nearing 100%.
But the sentiment I do agree with. You have to be sure to a great extent, even if it ought not, or ever really even can, be 100%. It’s an impossible threshold for anyone to clear, and telling someone they have to be 100% when they never really can, or at least should be able to, is just planting a seed of doubt in their mind that is not necessarily helpful. It can be very destructive.
In general, having impossible ideals for people to aspire to is a bad exercise. We know this by heart with body ideals and acceptance for example, we ought to understand this applies to everything else too.
Doing it if you’re not sure at all sure seems like a bad idea, but can you ever be that sure about something you haven’t tried?
It’s not about being sure about what’s involved, but being sure that it is what you want regardless of what’s involved.
The reality is no one knows what you’re getting into when you have a child, even when it’s not your first child.
However, you can be sure you want to commit your life to something without knowing the future.
I think horses are FAR more expensive than you think they are.
Yes, but it’s awfully difficult to ride a child.
GOP is sure its possible
the collective internet: DON’T SAY IT! ZetaLightning94: …hehe
Kids are also not cheap.
I’d be shocked if they had done no research at all.
Please don’t have a child if you are really considering this.
Another option is to adopt a kid who’s like >12 who you can set up a good future for without having to spend as much money or 18 years.
A lot of the kids in foster care go homeless when they turn 18, and you could prevent that for someone :)
I second adoption. I am unsure if I ever want to raise a kid, but if I do, it will be with an existing child that someone doesn’t want/can’t take care of.
Adoption is a great option, but ONLY if you really want a kid.
Remember, adoption is traumatic, and kids aren’t returnable.
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Right. Get kids cause they can dig trenches.
The children yearn for the mines
Adopt the kid, gets around the moral issue of bringing a child into the world. The kid is already in the world, you just provide for them.
Eh, that can be pretty complicated.
Do you understand how many years it takes to adopt someone?
For a (I’m assuming) young married couple ?
And it could skip the part where one of you absolutely must be around at all times.
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Is is cheaper than having one the old-fashioned way though?
Absolutely this, but ONLY if you’re absolutely certain you want a kid.
Remember, adoption is traumatic and kids aren’t returnable.
Don’t have children for their sake. It’s not about you. The world is entering a transition phase, and while no one can predict the future, odds are its going to be incredibly unfriendly to everyone and everything.
Also consider the child’s life and future. Will they have a realistic chance of leading a good adult life? With how the world is going it’s something I feel quite uncertain about, which is one reason why I personally won’t have kids.
Reject tradition. Embrace horse.
Seriously, it sounds like you don’t have the financial slack to raise a child without making yourself miserable. You know what makes kids miserable? Having miserable parents. Sure, if you saw kids as your one and only purpose in life that you would do anything for, then you could totally have kids. But lacking that commitment, and significant financial means, and a robust social support system, the most likely outcome is that you will spend the next decade and a half absolutely haggard and thinking about how you should have just got a horse.
Otoh, my actual recommendation is to have neither a child nor a horse, and instead use the extra money to give yourself a more robust financial safety net. Iirc, you can volunteer time at stables to get horse time for free.
Consider that if you have children, they will grow up in a world where the rabidly anti-child people of Lemmy will be getting older and dying off. There’s a brighter future ahead.
The horse won’t live to see that era.
If your child is a she, though, bad luck.
I will edit my comment to be more inclusive.
