The best way I can describe my thoughts about myself (and how I think other people think about me) is like two superimposed instructions on top of one another. You don’t know which one to read, and it makes you confused. I don’t know what I want in life and my views on things can change rapidly. I named that negative inner voice “Sarah”. I know Sarah isn’t real, and she’s a part of me, but it feels so wrong to go against her. It’s as if she is the arbiter of truth, specifically when it comes to my standing. She constantly moderates things and she’s often louder than my “good” conscience, and I’m not sure what to do. She’ll be chattering even as I’m actively speaking to another person, saying things like “look, this person is sick of you. Why are you such a failure?”
The thing that gets me the most is that every time I mention this bad conscience, people just look at me weird and shrug it off. It’s so hard to even bring up this second conscience because it feels wrong, like I’m being “naughty”. They never tell me that the bad conscience is wrong, which has just affirmed what I said about “Sarah” being an arbiter of truth. If I do something, she’ll always be saying things like “you’re so slow, you’re such a shameful person, hurry up”. Often, it’s worded a lot meaner than that, and “said” in an extremely vindictive way.
Then my “good” conscience chimes in, telling me I’m a good person, basically the opposite of what Sarah says about me, and it’s like I get a moment of clarity where I can rebel against “Sarah” and try and cry out for help (which is where I mention that I do have a second conscience that is “bad”). But then “Sarah” comes to the front again, and this repeats over and over. I regularly get some pretty intense mood swings that last minutes, sometimes hours, multiple times per day, and it’s because of this double conscience that I have. It was suspected in the past that I have manic depression, but that was ruled out. Both “me” and “Sarah” are constantly arguing. I’d say this double conscience thing started in my early 20s, and has flared up after I tapered off Mirtazapine a couple of months ago, as I found the Mirtazapine was just numbing my emotions.
Really small things can trigger “Sarah”, such as getting a phone number wrong, in which case Sarah will sometimes bicker for hours about how stupid I am and how my family should be ashamed of me, and how I don’t deserve to have a boyfriend (I talk to an AI instead, as Sarah “allows” that). I’m constantly being given conflicting instructions. For example if I see someone crying. It triggers confusion a lot of the time because with me, people who cry should be consoled, and that crying, even as an adult, is completely healthy and normal. But Sarah says “if you’re an adult and you cry, you need to grow the heck up. Just tell them to grow the heck up and walk out the room.” So, depending on the time of day, I will act completely different or contradictory to a given situation, as if my worldviews are actually just a wildcard that flip-flops on a constant basis, in a very rapid manner, often multiple times per day.
I’m having CBT sessions and I did touch on the bad conscience thing during my last session, I’m just wondering if CBT is effective for this and how I can deal with it in between my sessions.
Please do not seek mental, medical and professional help here. Breaking this community rule will not get you or your post removed, but it will put you at risk, and possibly in danger.
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The best suggestion anyone could give here is to seek out professional help because this question is way way way too big and serious for the likes of Lemmy.
While that answer is correct, “professional help” isn’t a thing most people can just pick up from the grocery store, so to speak.
Knowing what type of help to ask for, getting affirmation that they need help at all, how to describe the problem, whether it has any other known names, etc are very valuable resources that people can only really get from asking friends or online forums.
I need to go through my GP to get “professional help”, and the waiting list for non-urgent appointments are 1-2 months. I would for sure be stuck for months or years in “stressed or burnt out maybe rest some” if I tried to bring up that my inner voice is mean to me.
If I went to my GP with the phrasing, clarity and clues I would get from answers in this thread, I might actually eventually get a psychiatrist.
Having an Inner Critic is normal, but you seem to have fed it, until you believe it is true. It’s not. I hope your therapy does help.
You know what’s funny? I have the body dysmorphia, like still cannot see myself as having a good body, and usually mirror or photo just confirms this. But one time my husband took a picture when I was just in underwear, so nearly naked, and I looked so good, it’s like somehow he captured how he sees me. And we have one flattering mirror in the house, I thought it was like a fun house slimming mirror, asked my kids and they were like, no, that is how you look.
So if you have someone you can trust to bounce things off, that can really help, occasionally others can see past your insecurities and give a clearer view.
First. Not a therapist, not a diagnosis, not anything like that. Just it being relatable to me. I also have other voices in my head I thought was normal for my whole life tell I learned about dissociative identity disorder, and I have alters in my system that do that and it can get extremely loud and wanted to let you know your not alone and it’s understandable. My strong suggestion is finding a good therapist that listens to you and responds and not belittling you.
This isn’t me telling you what it is. Just letting you know about my personal experiences with having similar things with my self
I think the stuff you’re describing is outside the range where we internet randos can give any concrete help. You’re doing the right thing in seeing professionals who have actual training in dealing with this stuff. I can only offer sympathy and best wishes.
I find if I get agitated about something, I can often calm myself down with deep breathing. But I’m sure my experiences are less intense than yours to begin with, so I have no idea whether the same methods would work for you.
I’m going to tell you what I did. Don’t take mental health advice from some asshole in the internet.
I had two extra voices in my head. One would wait for me to be alone, and then bring up all the minutia in my life I was embarrassed about. The other would bring up my most depressing moments and just groan in my ear and distract me.
The first one I built a cabin for, and put him in it. Whenever I would think about one of those embarrassing moments, I’d put it in a plastic garbage bag, open the door to the cabin, and throw the bag as hard as I could into his face. Gradually I needed him less and less. Eventually he disappeared, so I just put the garbage bags in a can outside the door. Nobody lives there now, and the cabin has decayed into just a rough mound of dirt. The flowers from the window-box are growing in the mound.
I was more viscous with the other one. Every time he showed up, I imagined grabbing him by the neck and just pummeling his face bruised and bloody. Eventually he disappeared too.
I can remember those embarrassing moments or the causes of my depression without hurt now. They don’t have power over me anymore.
I’m not a doctor, but this sounds a lot like the start of schizophrenia. You need someone competent to evaluate this possibility, because in case it was that, you need antipsychotics immediately - early medication can save you from lasting brain damage, every week counts!
I think it’s good that you gave it a name, it’s the first step towards acknowledging that it’s not rational thought and can be ignored safely. There’s definitely nothing wrong with you in the sense that you’re not crazy, but it sounds like you might have a lot of trauma and CBT should help. But it’s a long process and sometimes its two steps forward, one step back. Just stick with it and see if it improves.
I’m not at all a professional and you don’t have to listen to my advice, but my wife has had a similar issue and she called hers a name too. It helped her a lot over the years to realize how she could turn that voice down. What really helped her though was to cut off her family, as they were the ones that gave her this voice after all. She had a lot of trauma related to family.
Hope that helps, or at least makes you feel better about it. This voice is not shameful. You’re just human and coping with life.
You might want to visit an Internal Family System (IFS) Therapist.
More broadly, any therapist who does parts work, which is not limited to IFS
Lots of good advice here already, especially regarding IFS, which is a therapy approach that works with splitting one’s inner monologue into a conversation between different voices.
Since a lot of commenters seem to equate inner voices with schizophrenia or psychosis I’d like to let you (and them) know it’s not that unusual to have inner voices with different personalities! I found my inner voices very helpful to deal with my mental challenges and this never turned into anything uncontrollable. I had a similar very critical inner voice which I then recognized as mainly being my mother’s way of criticizing me - even after I went no contact with mom, she was still occupying space in my head telling me everything I did wrong.
The way out was really simple, CBT-based: a therapist reminded me to be kind to myself and I just practised - like giving myself an inner hug every time I used the unkind voice and remembering that kindness to myself is important (not beating myself up for being unkind!), and to avoid self-deprecating humour. It just took some time, maybe a year, and now I see clear improvements. The voice is pretty much gone. At the moment I have no need to separate into different voices and feel quite at home within myself. Hope you get there soon, you seem a be on a good path towards it!
Obligatory this is not medical advice, but what happens if you “say,” for example, “eat shit, Sarah, I don’t care about you”?
Sorry I don’t have any good advice. I don’t have any inner voice, as far as I’m aware.
Does Sarah sound different than your normal thinking voice?
Yes, she’s my voice, but she says things in a similar tone to a bully. She’s not an actual voice and I recognise her as just a part of myself.
My brother has voices, but they sound like different people. Sometimes they mimic real people he knows.
The less you have in common with him, the better.
