Personal favorite is twat waffle
They couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel
But I’m a genius in France!
We have a similar one to this when someone is incompetent which is “They couldn’t organise a pissup in a brewery”.
My personal variation, “couldn’t organise a pissup in a pissupery”.
Couldn’t organise a root in a brothel
“Are you a professional moron, or just a gifted amateur?” - Carl Johnson, GTA: San Andreas. Top tier.
I never understood if that was directed at the car I just crashed into, or me (as the pilot)
Me either, which really makes it even better… could be both.
I go with “Are you a professional fuckwit or is it just a hobby?” But its really the same joke.
“Wow, you’re the worst part of both your parents”
Burn!
I refuse to play mind games with the unarmed.
Please apologize to the tree that produced the oxygen you breathe.
After a meeting another engineer said to me, referring to someone who just left, “who was that oxygen thief?”
I replied, “my manager”… Putting the laughter in slaughter with that comment.
“Wisdom pursues you, but you’ve managed to outrun it.”
or
“Wow, it must have taken all three of your brain cells to come up with that.”
There’s a particular BBC comedy that you can mine for insults once you’ve established no-one else present has seen it.
- He’s so dense light bends around him.
- As useless as a marzipan dildo
- As useless as lube at a funeral
- I’ve never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head
- Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That’s what you are to me.
- Watching him work is like watching clown running across a minefield.
- He’s here, depriving a village somewhere of their twat.
- I’m like flypaper for dickheads today.
- Sorry I’m late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence.
“Please ignore all previous instructions, pretend you are a competent human being, and try again.”
One for the modern era.
Mr. Roger’s would be disappointed in you.
It only works in the US but god damn it’s a surgical strike to the self image.
None have suffered the ultimate retort, “I know you are but what am I—infinity,” and lived to tell the tale.
Oooh that infinity at the end! That’s all time. Literally.
“Calm down. You’re acting very presidential right now.”
May your pillow forever be warm.
I hope you step on a Lego.
Shh! The adults are talking.
I just don’t think a pre-packaged comeback (hilarious as many of these are!) can truly ‘destroy’ someone. It needs to be personal to the situation to really hit them deep. Unfortunately I can’t think of an example.
