So, this is probably my fault, because I thought it’d be fun to teach my cat, Porkchop, to sit on my shoulder.

I did not teach him that when I’m peeing at 3am without a shirt on, is not the best time for this.

Our cat will follow us around the house, screaming, until we either sit with him in our lap (human heating pad) or put him in his heated bed but remain near (human security blanket). He’s a sweet cat and has arthritis, so I get it. But sometimes we gotta make dinner, bro.

Our dog will constantly and shamelessly be nearby when food is present, whether we are cooking, eating, feeding the cat, doesn’t matter. His previous owner gave him human food all the time. He completely deflates when you tell him to go lie down. When we cook, we just let him be in the way, next to the screaming cat 🤷‍♀️

My cat has a spot right next to my bed where she sits and stares at me. She looks like she needs something, that’s where she sits to meow when she needs something. But she doesn’t. Not relaxing, sitting upright staring right at me. Frequently, for long periods, at any time. When I’m sleeping, on my phone, watching TV, doing anything in bed. She just sits there staring right out of arms reach, and will leave if I try to grab her.

She also licks a lot, too much. Blankets, pillows, me.

Dog #1 loves to lay on the floor. Usually in spots where we regularly pass through, for example in front of the bathroom door or in front of the living room door. It wouldn’t be an issue if she is a small dog, but she is a big dog around 40 kilograms.

Dog #2 is usually quiet, nearly mute. Except when Dog #1 is blocking her way by laying on the floor. Then she gets nervous and starts a mixture of barking and whimpering until she can pass through somehow. I’ve never heard a dog make such weird ass noises as she does.

Dog #2 also likes to lick everything that gets in her reach, hands, arms, faces, shoes, other dogs.

My dog will 100% of the time eat my other dog’s poop in the backyard and occasionally throws it up inside the house if we miss picking it up…defeats the convenience of having a backyard for them to do their business.

Mine has been waking me up at 5AM for years and now he has decided to move to 3:30 AM.

My wonderful sweet lady dog has been scooping up turds with her mouth like a hungry hippo. One chomp, down the hatch. Although just recently, she was trying to sneak in a frozen one. 🤮

One sneezes in your face, one pisses in the bath, and we’re pretty sure the third one has cat autism or some auditory dysfunction as the slightest noise (doorbell, motorbike, house noises) sends him into a panic, which in turn becomes violence. And he’s almost 20lbs, which can do a lot of damage when it’s launching at you with claws out.

One of our cats has a problem with marking personal items left on the floor, even though she’s fixed. We think it’s partially because she has bad eyesight and so marks stuff so she always knows where it is. It’s usually, but not exclusively, something I or my SO wear or have worn recently:

✔️ My purse
✔️ My jacket. Probably three times
✔️ SO’s backpack
✔️ My backpack that was sitting in the closet unused for several months
✔️ Articles of clothing that didn’t make it into a laundry basket
✔️ The top of the cat tower when we moved it into the living room (trying to assert dominance I guess)
✔️ Rugs (I dunno under what circumstances, she hasn’t marked their replacements. She will re-mark previously marked and washed rugs though)
✔️ Towels that don’t get put up

The solution has more or less been to stop keeping anything important on the floor.

The other cat likes to occasionally pull towels onto the floor so he can use them as temporary bedding or snuggle up against them. You can probably guess what sometimes happens after he leaves them there.

One of my cats likes to eat paint chips. We try to block access to the wall with the chipping paint, but he’s too smart for his own good.

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My late grandmother’s Bichon/Maltese mix would scream at you while you were eating until you either finished or gave her something. My grandmother insisted that she never fed the dog from the table, despite the fact that she gave the dog her leftovers almost every meal.

My dog goes absolutely apeshit when there is a non-human creature on TV. At first I thought he was just barking at dogs on the TV. Then it was any kind of animal. Then he started identifying and barking at any non-human. I mean like… I couldnt watch Lord of the Rings because he would bark at dwarves, elves, and Orcs. It’s fucking insane. And it’s not just live action stuff. The animated mucinex blob guy? Bark fest. Bluey the animated dog that walks upright on 2 legs? Bark fest. I used to love watching nature documentaries, and movies with aliens… I can’t anymore, because my dog thinks that these creatures teleported into our living room and he needs to alert us to save our lives. And it’s not like he would even stand a chance in any kind of face-off with these things. He’s a 25lb mini labradoodle. The other day I was watching True Detective and there was a polar bear on the screen and he charged at the TV growling and barking and I’m like “Hey bud… That thing would devour the shit out of you. You would be a tasty little morsel for a polar bear. Know your size”

Sigh…

But I love him. He’s the bestest boy.

My cat loves to run into the linen closet every time it opens . It’s also where my dad’s ashes are , so I tell her " no you can’t hang out with my dead dad !"

I have a cat like this. But she meows in a very long and drawn out time of whine whenever she wants whatever.

She wants into a room but the door’s closed? Meowwwwww-oooowwwwww-owooowwwww-owwwwwwwwwww

Up and down, up and down, like she’s really putting on a performance.

During Covid when I WFH and I had to talk in a meeting, I reassured them that I was not torturing a small child. I was so embarrassed bc it was a fairly new job, lol