I’m from Oklahoma. Let me give you an overview of our seasons, beginning with

Spring: Starts mild, ends warm. Thunderstorms, hail, tornadoes, and flooding are the main stories here.

Summer: Hot and muggy throughout. No clouds, rain, wind, relief. All you can do is make your clothes wet. Sometimes, I just point a leaf blower up my shirt. And at my testicles. I take cold showers all summer. It’s about the only way I can cool down enough to get some sleep.

Autumn: It’s like spring, but in reverse. Thunderstorms and tornadoes do happen, but rarely are they strong.

And finally - Winter: Nothing happens in a typical winter. It might snow a couple times in Central OK. And that’s really it. Once or twice every decade, we might get a historic winter storm. But most years are super uneventful and mild. It freezes most nights in deep winter, but only just.

In short, all four seasons are trying to kill you, but winter isn’t trying that hard. Spring and autumn are briefly nice. The average temperature might be 72, but what’s being left out is that it could be 91 on Monday, 49 on Wednesday, and 87 on Saturday. Or it could be between 65 and 75 all week. You never truly know until you get there.

At least it’s not, say, Iowa. I know for a fact their summers are almost as hot as ours, but their winters are waaaaaayyyyy colder.

I’ve tried to tell my wife many times that it is just as hot and humid here as it is where she’s from in Mississippi. Dew point is dew point, no matter where you are. It’s just that the humidity here goes away sooner and stays away for longer. And we don’t typically get tornadoes on Thanksgiving or Christmas. The southeast definitely does.

Anyway, we vacationed in Seattle last September, and - cost of living be damned - now I want to live there. If not for the weather, then at least for the seafood. But I love my nieces and nephews too much to be that far from them.

She told me she didn’t want to hire me but was outvoted. That she really stuck her neck out for me by even letting me come on.

She never trained me to do my job. Just handed me the manuals, told me to read them, then expected near perfection. Never provided any real guidance. Never actually assigned more than a couple tasks to me, then nagged me because I wasn’t doing enough. She made me feel singled out. Like nobody else in the office liked me either.

My dog died in March of '19. I barely got any empathy from her. I turned in my two weeks in early May. I was one more write up from being fired anyway. When I handed her my resignation letter, she looked at me and said, “Are you sure?” I meant to say, “Are you fucking really asking me that?” Instead, I just coldly said, “Yes.” Turned my back, and walked out of her office. I kept my head down for the next couple weeks, collected my last paycheck, and rapid fired applications for the next few months.

Fuck you Sarah. I hope you lose your car keys just badly enough that your morning takes an extra fifteen minutes every day for the rest of your life.

Look, it’s not “all you can eat.” It’s "all you can eat."

“You” is not the subject noun, it’s “all.” You refers to the group of people. The buffet is open to the public, and any paying member of the public may eat. Your honor, the phrase has been misinterpreted all along. It was never about allowing any one person to eat until they no longer can, but about allowing any paying customer to eat the food offered at the buffet.

I rest my case.

Whoa, that’s a double nostalgia, all the way. Oh my god, whooo!!

Wait until you try bacon grease. Y’all are in for a real treat.

I can put my life in danger. I can put your life in danger. But I draw the line when you put my life in danger.

Still got my PS3. What a great console. Uncharted just has no business looking as good as it does running on hardware as old as the PS3 and being nearly twenty years old.

Watch out. That’s how you create a Slackware user.

This is Astrid. About 1 year old. She always acts so neglected when we go out. Believe me, I spend multiple hours a night cuddling this one.

She just wants to lick my face.

Next up is Sherlock. He’s about 2½ years old. He has his Urban Canine Good Citizen making him a certified good boy.

This is Izzy. She’s just shy of 9 years old. We have had her since she was 4 weeks old. She’s running a little chunky, but she’s also extremely fluffy.

And finally, Thorin. He just turned 12. He was my wife’s cat before we met. He’s all the love of a dog with all the craziness of an orange cat. He doesn’t understand or respect the concept of “no.” He is a bottomless pit for attention. He knows how to open the blinds.

One of my favorite movies that my wife refuses to watch with me because it always makes her cry.

I mean, me too, but it’s good to cry every now and then.

Them: Be there or be square!

Me:

jk, nobody invites me to things

Elastic deformation is for peasants.

TIL Dick Van Dyke is still kicking. Good for Dick.

He was the Hulk once so I can’t blame you.

TRAINER TIPS: Any POKéMON that takes part in battle, however short, earns EXP!

Here’s mine. I bought it new in 2015, and I wear it almost daily. It has never needed work.

My wife got me 8 TB about 3 or 4 years ago. It’s awesome. My Blu Ray library is on it and I still have 5 TB free

Our aim is to need this room. Clean your aim. Would help.

The Shawshank Redemption never gets stale for me, but it is a healthy time investment.

It’s not the cub scratching your face that’s what you need to worry about.