My body is made of trees.

I can say that. I can offer no evidence. I can do no work to prove it. I can ignore how half the country knows I’m full of shit, and still have half the country believe my bullshit.

And if the situation changes, I can always move the goalposts.

Either way, I gain nothing by trying harder, and face no consequences either way.

What motivation do I have to even try to be more secret in my corruption?

…they named their daughter “Bacon”?

Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Cheeses? Meats? Sandwiches? AND a wife??? Buddy! Stop bragging! Next you’ll tell me you own a home and have no debt!

…orally? Ew.

blink blink

Well that certainly is an opinion.

Nice to see Calvin from Calvin and Hobbs got married.

I’m glad you said there were two characters. I thought it went like this. …

P1: Girl happy talking on the phone.

P2: Girl hides behind tree scared.

P3: Girl listens to something on the phone and is horrified.

P4: Girl is horrified and embarassed, and hides behind the tree again.

I was like “This girl is weird…”

Black or green?

Red or black?

Plot twist. The local farmers market dealer is also a crack dealer. The tomatoes have a light layer of crack on them.

…

I just want to pet him right behind the ears, and spend all day with him!!!

Part of me is convinced this a joke for one guy, switching between two accounts, just laughing to himself. Like it’s some kind of inside joke. And by “inside” I mean “inside his own head”.

kicks you in the balls

Yes.

Want to be friends, but then never talk? Like ever?

Myspace servers were wiped clean about 10 years ago. I checked about 3 years ago. My profile, and all my friends profiles were gone.

It’s a music service now.

No clue about live journal. I never had one.

“Outside? No thank you. I have warmth, and love, and HUMAN, ARE YOU MAKING MY FOOD YET??? Oh yes, and servants. I have everything I could ever want. They even clean my poop.”

"keep him, we realised a while ago we shouldn’t have gotten a pet in the first place”

Usually when someone is a bad parent, I call for them to be spayed or neutered. But how can we prevent this dipshit from ever having another pet???

I feel like that person shouldn’t be allowed to have ANY pets. You don’t just abandon animals in the street.

There needs to be a list. If you abuse or abandon animals, Andre the giant shows up and eats you.

I don’t know the logistics of how it would work, especially since Andre the Giant has been dead since 1993, but I’M STILL WORKING ON IT!!!

How did you find a photo of me, with an accurate caption?

I used to see my cat do this. She’d look at me, as if to ask permission to hunt the bug. And I’d always say in a playful voice “Git dat bug! Get em! Didja get em??? Get dat bug!”

Which I’m glad she always “asked”, because one time a bee flew in. And she gave her little look and meow that said “get him?” And I was like “NOOOOOOOO!!!” and grabbed her collar. Then I said “Thats Frank. We don’t get Frank. We open the window, and let Frank go, because he’s good for the environment! Also he will stab you.”

And then my cat said “Wow! You sure do make a lot of friends when you leave the house every day for roughly 10 hours, AND NEVER INVITE ME OR BRING ME!!! Then sometimes you come home smelling like other cats? You think I don’t notice? Yeah I just don’t say anything! But now you’re bringing psychopaths into my home??? No no no sir! This has gone too far! You got some explaining to do mister!!!”

And then Frank said “Excuse me, fine lady and sir. I seem to have gotten seperated from my colony and daily life of having sex with flowers. Could you by chance help me by opening this window a tad? I would be most gracious!”

So then my cat said “I thought you said he was a stabber?”

And Frank said “Only in self defense, fair lady! For I am but a humble bumble bee. I make honey with my bisexual bee bois. We have a whole nest just out past yonder.”

And then the duck said “Quack quack!”

And I said “When did we get a duck?”

I work 7 days a week with 4 different jobs. I don’t have time to go out, much less have friends. But I have walked out of places and stopped in a gym signup process because they required a cell phone to use their service.