“Mom? Someone’s gonna send you those videos of me wanking again!”

“Okay dear.”

They’ll also tow it to their impound lot, and you will have to pay the towing and storage fees to get it back.

Not being rude, just honest, but fine.

Fine. Since I’m apparently “rude,” I’ll elaborate.

Your wife goes missing. As the spouse, you are the prime suspect. The police are far less interested in finding your wife than they are in arresting the person they think is responsible for your wife’s being missing. They are going to interrogate you, in one of those tiny rooms with no windows where they put themselves between you and the door, and get more and more inside your personal space. For hours, and they’re going to treat you as though you are guilty, because they want you to confess to a crime. They want you to incriminate yourself.

You’re already super stressed about your wife being missing, maybe you’re wondering where your kids are and the stress they’re under. Do you have a dead solid alibi? Are you sure? The police are allowed to lie to you; you are not allowed to lie to them. Are you certain you won’t even misspeak? Because what you consider a mistake, they will consider a lie, and that makes you even more a suspect. Are there any other uncomfortable facts in your life? Affairs, money trouble, arguments, drugs? Is anyone undocumented? All that shit is about to come out, all that shit will be used against you.

Are you mentally capable of navigating this situation, where there’s a real chance of your being imprisoned for who knows how long? No, you are not.

Unless you want to load more trouble on top of the trouble that’s already there, you will not speak to the police without your lawyer present.

You asked. I answered. Sorry if you didn’t like the answer. If you already knew what you wanted the answer to be, why did you ask?

Call from a burner phone and give an anonymous report. Even then, if you have the slightest connection with the victim, you will be questioned, and you should shut the fuck up.

Investigators are looking for someone to arrest, prosecutors are looking for someone to charge, and courts are looking for someone to convict. Whether that person is actually culpable is irrelevant.

I want to trim the eyeball hairs.

Arlo gets to go on the couch. He gets Pets on the Couch, and one of his favorite games is No Bones on the Couch. This is where he gets up on the couch with a bone, and we say “No Bones on the Couch!” and then chase him around.

It should be noted that Pets on the Couch is only on the front room couch, and No Bones on the Couch always starts on the family room couch, then goes back and forth between the two.

Good thing Richard Reid wasn’t the Butthole Bomber.

Oh there are some details left out that I desperately need to have clarified.

• Wouldn’t the cost have been the same (perhaps more) if the exact same calls were being made during the day?
• What exactly was the bug, and how would it have been resolved?
• Did she get “fired”?

Not that I’m in full agreement with the parent comment, but genocide is something that happens to groups of people, not individuals.

Yet.

Just don’t drop your Cleveland pierogis through a Chicago sunroof.

Because LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX LINUX

Because the back yard is already full.

As long as there’s not a head-shaped mass inside the helmet when it bounces on the garage floor, the foam will be undamaged.

You’re right about the ear plugs, though. The only reason I know my current helmet is soundproof enough for me is because I have had several which were not.

I bought a pack of 12 neck gaiters from Goodwill for like three dollars. Soak in water, wear around neck, works a treat.

Not today, FBI.

Once you’re moving faster than, say, 10MPH, whatever speed you’re going is fast enough to kill you or make you a drooling idiot when your head bangs on something hard and motionless. Beyond that, adding speed just decreases the chances of drooling idiot.

Full disclosure, I have ridden without a helmet. Not often, but I probably will again. I have a pair of goggles for the eyes. I much prefer the comfort and safety of having a helmet on, but –

Briefly riding around quiet neighborhood streets by me, that I know well enough to know which houses have little kids, during the day, on the little scooter, … maybe. After a long time on big interstates on the big bike, when the helmet has been pressing into my forehead too long, also during the day, flat rural interstate, light “traffic”, excellent visibility, highways I am pretty familiar with? Maybe.

And the whole time I would be thinking “I shouldn’t be doing this.” My current helmet is much more comfortable than my last one, and I don’t need to wear earplugs with it unless I’m doing a long ride at 70+ MPH. Putting it on is easy, easier than having to listen to that voice in my head saying I should have put it on, I have music in it, I’m having a hard time now thinking of a situation where I wouldn’t want it on.

Thank you, and you’re more than welcome to do so.