Yeah, I only felt bad doing the whole fake nude thing but at the end of the day, that one guy didn’t even send money for them anyways. But ya I genuinely had someone who wanted to send money to help me, no pictures, nothing. I felt bad so I am glad I got to apologize. But yeah I don’t know if I want to do it anymore because it does make me feel slightly guilty but the financial position I’m in right now makes it super tempting. But I’m trying to do side hustles but it’s hard. And thank you. I appreciate all your comments on my posts, you helped me a lot and I appreciate you internet stranger 🩵

Yeah, not going to lie, today I felt super lonely and I felt bad I had removed one of those guys after they sent me money so I reached out and apologized to them. I feel bad for messaging them again. Is it bad that if they offered money again to me I wouldn’t say no? I wouldn’t have to remove them because no one is telling me to. But fuck. I feel guilt about everything now I’m over the body count thing. I’ll never let it affect me again. My worth isn’t based on a number and everyone was rihh ch r about it

No everything you say is true I didn’t think it was a big deal to share my Instagram like if someone came up to me people have an Instagramin real life. I always said no I have a boyfriend. I know I’m a loyal person, especially to those I love, which is why it a lot to know why upset him from this. I also hadn’t been in relationship in years so I feel like maybe me and him both didn’t fully understand things the way they should be. and yeah, like the only reason I didn’t tell him about the unsolicited images was because I was disgusted by myself and I didn’t see apoint in sharing it with him, especially since I told him I was sending fake photos to the first guy. I thought he might already know could be sent more so the attention that was receiving/gaming, even though it was fake and I didn’t care for any of it. I know this might make me a bad person and I do regret sending fake photos, but I didn’t want them to send anything to me At the end of the day, I just wanted him to trust me and I felt so guilty for a whole month and everything heating up things I even did before I met him. I started feeling really guilty. I feel like I needed to tell him.

No I mean in the community you sent me, like women talk about whatever they want or is it a specific topic?

Does anyone talk about anything here?

Because I’m broken. I like to make people feel good even if that means putting them first. I’m also a people’s pleaser. I come off as this happy jolly person and soon as I hit home, reality hits. I don’t like talking about my problems because I feel like I don’t make sense or I’m a burden lol. That’s why I am that way. It’s dumb.

Yeah, I don’t blame him. It just didn’t work I guess. Things happen I guess. I will prioritize myself but it is hard sometimes since I lack motivation but I will push.

Thank you so much internet stranger 💕… I am motivated to start, I know I need it, I know I have so much ahead of me and going into my future emotionally more stable and mentally, I will be better for myself and others.

This made me cry right now. You’re so fucking right, why remain friends with me if he can’t trust me? Why should I even want to be friends with someone who can’t trust me? I have told him everything, and he probably should have trusted me more from all the guilt that consumed me. I harmed myself, I went to the hospital because the guilt and sadness hurt so much my chest was hurting and I was panicky for days. Convinced myself I was going to have a heart attack lol. I do suffer from emotional trauma. Me and my father didn’t have the best relationship before, he would get mad, verbally and physically abuse me, leave me alone and not talk to me about anything for months even close to a year at one point, all while living in the same house. I was always used to shutting emotions off and I never felt connected to people emotionally. With him, I did. I tried my best. I tried to “win” him back but then I just felt like I was being manipulative. I tried it yesterday to bring it up again, didn’t change, so yep, I give up. I am detaching from it because I broke myself so much the last month I’m just tired of it.

I need ur advice on one thing though… the bigger reason he was upset and couldn’t trust me is because after we had a talk about Instagram and followers or whatever (so gen z and dumb), he was upset because I gave someone my Instagram and sent them a GoFundMe link (he said gofund me is fine with him) but the act of sending the Instagram was what triggered him. And that I didn’t tell him the first guy sent me photos and stuff. Like I wanted to see that? I didn’t see a purpose but idk. Maybe I’m being delusional. I find it silly he ended things because he couldn’t trust me when all I said was the truth. I feel guilty hiding things so I don’t know how I can do this

Honestly really scared… the initial phone call (asking me deep questions) was so uncomfortable but so comforting and relieving at the same time so I think it’ll be good! It will be online, they are mailing me a hard copy book designed for their program and every week I will have a call to go over and learn different behaviors and stuff

Yeah depression and def BPD but the BPD isn’t diagnosed. I start therapy (CBT) in a week and a half!

Yeah he does… I’m accepting it now. I’m too drained to keep trying. He couldn’t trust me and felt I didn’t respect him which is crazy because I showed him more love and respect than I had for myself. But whatever. People only see the bad and suddenly that outweighs all the good people do and people leave. Whatever. I’m tired of fighting. We will be friends, I’ve accepted it. I told him I won’t bring it up anymore. He will always have a place in my heart though. I told him if he thinks he needs to change himself for a relationship then I would be there to support him and I wouldn’t stop him from continuing to live and improve if we’re together. But it all ended the same way it does every time I bring up the topic again, just friends anyways. So yea, I’m drained, I’m tired and I’m done. This is how I am, I can only give/pour so much of myself out until I’m really done. Almost the same happened with my ex, he BROKE me… manipulated me to get with him again saying he wants to die without me blah blah, we took a break but I realized I can’t go back because of the damage. And I was drained from how he made me feel in those 2-3 weeks. I no longer felt anything.

What rule 5?

Yea I feel bad… the first guy got sent fake nudes obviously… he said he lowkey knew after I told him they were fake. But he didn’t send money. The second guy just genuinely wanted to help (nothing in return but just to listen and talk) and yes this one I actually felt the worst. I know he was most likely lonely and it did feel wrong but it did also feel good to get money so easily. Easy money always is nice but the actions behind it aren’t always the best and I’m aware. I’m not rlly guilty for having sex in my past and stuff. I do feel like shit about my body count and feel less worthy yes but I’m trying to move past that. I think remembering his reaction to my body count is also what triggering even more guilt about myself. A number so high it has someone so upset. It’s kills me.

That’s a good point. I guess it’s hard for me to settle with everything that has happened but I’m slowly getting it. Thank u.

Lol thanks, why comment if u didn’t even read it?

Ur right. I did let go of someone I had loved because I was in great pain and was probably better for me after all that disrespect. What he did, as ur saying, wasn’t good. It was crazy and it was a manipulative way of trying to get me back. I guess this applies in this scenario as well, he cares about me but wants to let go of the relationship because he’s hurt. So I am better understanding.

I appreciate all the advice, I really do. I take all of it into consideration and always look back at them. I appreciate you for ur comments and everything you’ve told me. I value everyone’s perspective and feedback, it really has helped me. I won’t lie, I think the closure and validation of the situation from posting it here helps, I know it sounds silly, but hearing people’s thoughts and opinions helps. I don’t have anyone to rlly talk to about this as I only have one friend and she’s probably fed up. But this does help and I do listen to everyone.

I will start doing what’s best for me. I start therapy in 2 weeks so I’m looking forward but I’m scared. I know it will help me though.

What should I do? I still want to be friends with him and I know I’ll be capable of doing it without emotions attached, after today, I really see it more clearly. I will respect his space and he will respect mine. We agreed no more sexual stuff since we are only friends now. I regret doing anything anyways because it did only make me feel worse. I think the only scary part is the after**** like when we “heal”, will he remove me? Will I remove him? I think that is making me nauseous thinking about it. But I guess that’s a future problem?

I wouldn’t leave someone if they did. But maybe I’m too forgiving. I believe in change and commitment. I’m loyal to people I respect and care for.

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But I hurt him from my actions. How can I get over that? The sound of him crying, the sound of him in pain will never leave my head. I feel horrible. I just want to make things right but I can’t. I feel like it’s all my fault because if I just hadn’t sent them my Instagram for money this wouldn’t have happened. Or told him the first guy or whatever send me stuff (which I obviously didn’t ask for) I was equally as fucked and grossed out, but I should’ve known what I was getting myself into I guess. But I think before, part of me felt like I cheated on him when I know I didn’t because I told him each time I was messaging one for money. I offered passwords, go on my phone, idc. I didn’t feel any way cuz I only ever did things for money. He was jealous I was giving them attention or receiving their attention… I told him I don’t care for these people (as bad as it sounds)… I know taking money from people isn’t right but they said so I said why not.

I also fear in the future no one will want me because of my body count or that I’m going to feel as if I need to tell someone EVERYTHIG I’ve done because that’s how I felt after this incident. It felt like everything I have done in my past is illegal and I should be punished for it.