This is about to be some real shit about a failing (failed?) marriage. Get out now if that is not for you.

My wife and I, both in our 40s, have been together for a long time, 20+ years. About 10 years ago our daughter was born and that was pretty good. I was stupid and had an affair during that first year because I was immature and, in retrospect, wasn’t able to handle the shift in my wife’s attention from me to my daughter.

We worked it out. We moved to a bigger house that is paid off. My mom died and left us all some money. Then my wife was diagnosed with MS about 4 years ago and things have been on the decline.

We haven’t had sex in a year and neither of us again expects to. She has been depressed and I don’t know how to help her. We recently, like yesterday, determined in a mutual discussion that we no longer had a romantic relationship, but that we had a good partnership for raising our daughter and generally handling life. While it was good to get an unspoken truth out there, it hurts. I think that we both feel lonely in the aching soul sort of way. Last night, when we went to bed, for first time that I can recall, she didn’t say, “I love you,” and neither did I. My Prozac is working overtime, and she shuts down when I suggest mental health support for her.

So, here’s the question. What now?

  • milicent_bystandr@lemm.ee
    3·
    4 months ago

    I’m sorry to hear that, that’s really hard. Accept an internet hug from us friendly strangers on Lemmy!

    If you’re not too averse to Christian stuff, I highly and personally recommend https://www.themarriagecourse.org/

    It won’t probably help directly with coping with the MS, but can be really great for helping a lot of other areas of marriage, including your struggles with intimacy save romance. I recommend going in person if there’s one near enough.

    Something like that can be great to do whether your marriage is on the rocks or going beautifully smoothly. - That might help your wife get over the sort of looming threat of “mental help for her”.

    Anyway I’d second the advice of others that therapy can help. Don’t be afraid of finding you’re not suited for each other: Good marriage counselling is not just about “finding happiness with your own decision,” as another has said. Good marriage counselling helps you understand and rediscover each other and yourselves, giving you the best chance of (re)building relationship and new love with each other.

    I can’t promise a cure-all solution, but I hope it can help.