My partner and I just had a talk about it. Basically, she celebrated her birthday today. I was on her party, and it was fun, but I left after around 2 hours to get home and relax a bit. After I arrived, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to a lake and see the sunset. I agreed, we went to the lake and went swimming in it; it was really nice. Later, after arriving at my partners, she talked with me that it hurts her that I went out with someone else on her birthday, doing a romantically coded activity.
To be honest, I realize that I don’t have a single clue what is coded as a romantically coded activity. For me, this was something completely okay and appropriate, because it is for me clearly a friend-thing; but my partner explained to me that the combination of going out with another person on her birthday and going to a sea, which is a secluded place, just heavily connotates it in a romantic way.
I understand that what I’ve done here wasn’t right, and that I have responsibility here. Even though I didn’t want to hurt my partner, it is still my responsibility to inform myself here on romantically conmotated things you shouldn’t do in a partnership. So, dear people of Lemmy, what does constitute a romantic moment?
Edit: I’ve left out some information which seems to be important for the whole picture . I’ve copied it out of my comment and adding it here:
Me and my gf got together in August of last year, so basically 8 months ago; we were friends for half a year before that. She got cheated on in her long distance relationship before.
The friend who invited me to the sea I actually know for almost as long as my partner, from the beginning of Uni. She had a breakup from a three-year old relationship a few months ago, and I was there to support her. I didn’t clarify before though if she was okay with me cuddling with people or not; I assumed it was with her, because it was okay in her LDR before - which was wrong of me. I overstepped the boundaries of my partner here.
The friend in question kissed me at the neck while I was at hers. I talked with her about it and let her know that I wasn’t okay with it, to which she reacted quite hurt. She then told me that we shouldn’t be friends, but two weeks ago she collapsed at Uni and I brought her home. Now we are meeting again.
While I’m writing this down, I’m actually starting to notice that there are a lot of other factors playing in why my partner is upset here. She has been cheated on in the past, which definitely leads her to feel uncomfortable about my actions, even though I obviously don’t want to cheat. I broke a societally unwritten rule of not meeting people in romantically coded settings on your partners birthday. And I overstepped the boundary of my partner before by cuddling with the friend without my partners consent.
You left their party after a couple hours to relax. I’m guessing you were feeling a little overstimulated and needing a break, and your partner probably realized this as well and was willing to let you decompress.
Then you accepted an invitation to socialize with someone else, which to your partner probably seemed like you needed a break from them but not someone else. Of course, this is not a one-to-one situation, I’m sure swimming and a sunset is much more restful and relaxing than a birthday party, but from their perspective they probably wished you could have stayed but respected you needed a break. Now they’re finding out that you didn’t necessarily take a break from socializing, so it looks somewhat more like you needed a break from them.
Again, I know that isn’t exactly what happened, and it isn’t the message you meant to give with your actions, but that’s my attempt to see things from their perspective based on what we’ve been told.
I think you’ve summarized it pretty well, and as far as I can judge it is exactly how my partner received it. I think I definitely needed a break from this specific birthday party, but also I needed a bit of time away from her. I am not sure however how to communicate it in an appropriate way though.
I can absolutely relate to what you’re describing. Sometimes you need a break from a specific person, and it is not because you dislike them, you just really need a break. This is, from what I can tell, not a common neurotypical experience and so not something that neurotypical folks can relate to, and it’s hard to put it into words as a way that sounds anything other than “I don’t like being around you”.
The closest I can come to putting it into words is that sometimes my mind behaves like a cat. One moment you’re both enjoying each other’s company, the next I’m totally full and need to go. It’s not about any specific person, it can happen with anybody I’m around.
It’s good that you’re working to understand how to express your experience to others, it’s difficult but worth the time to strengthen relationships. Hopefully your partner understands that it’s not the easiest thing.
Got it, thank you! I deeply appreciate your feedback on it. I’ve been a bit anxious if I’m the only one who feels this way, but it’s good to know that I’m not.
Don’t get me wrong, I really love my partner and she is an amazing person. I love spending time with her. But I also notice that time alone just has a different quality. So thank you for sharing your experience - I will definitely keep it in mind and clarify to her that she hasn’t done anything wrong at all, it is just my mind which sometimes needs a pause from the input of a specific person.