For me it’s always been a huge issue. I am not even that old but I’ve still noticed a massive change in how autism is seen from when I was growing up until now.
Many people didn’t fully understand what autism was and I was just blanked with the term “special needs”. A term I hate with a burning passion. I only realised this as I entered adulthood but I was always told that I a different but never really told how. I knew that it would be more difficult for me to learn, I knew I would have meltdowns and I stim. That’s it. And that lack of knowledge lead to me having such an internalised ablist few of myself. It saddens me when I realise that 14 year old me deep down thought of themselves as weird freak.
I could go on and on about my experiences as a teenager but this post can only go on for so long. I suppose the biggest thing was not being told about executive dysfunction. I was the brightest in my class but then it became impossible to get myself to study. My grades started declining. I would get upset and then my inability to focus and study made me feel an intense self loathing. It got to the point where I would frequently have meltdowns and punch myself in the head. When that happened I would just be sent home or suspended. The process would continue without my school or parents trying to get me any help. They all just brushed it off as my autism. And I was told repeatedly that I should be grateful that I wasn’t expelled. Naturally, my repeated meltdowns lead to people avoiding me which worsened my self esteem which made it even harder for me to study which lead to more meltdowns. I was constantly just sent home.
Looking back. If one person just explained to me what executive dysfunction is the first time I had a meltdown. I dunno, my life would be completely different. No one ever told me this. I had to figure all this out about myself by myself.
Being able to understand yourself and how your condition affects you is important. I have myself fallen into pits of intense self loathing because of it and I’ve sadly seen other people on the spectrum do so as well.
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God damn, I feel you. Both my parents are autistic. One has asperger’s syndrome and the other possibly ADHD-C and maybe something else too.
Both wanted to know if I was autistic, got me diagnosed and didn’t bother reading the diagnosis. I was left with that I “should ask questions more often.” They also just made up an answer of their own. My mother pretended I was normal, but punished me for every mistake with verbal abuse and threats of physical violence. Though not to teach me life lessons, but because she couldn’t handle things not going according to what she had in mind. My dad projected his asperger’s and anxieties onto me because he feels alone. Even though we don’t share the same dysfunctions on the spectrum. I don’t get overstimulated or meltdowns for example. He did nothing to raise me except for income. All interaction was by my initiative. He didn’t want me, but was stuck in an abusive relationship with my abusive mom.
I worked my ass off despite unknown executive dysfunction and 15 consecutive years of depression. Clawed my way out of a cult (summit lighthouse) and did shitty jobs just to teach myself some responsibility regardless of the task. And now? I failed uni once, and am about to fail it twice. Blaming myself for being a lazy cunt the first time. The second time I, put my study on hold to get help. Turns out, I got an outdated unhelpful diagnosis as a kid. Now I am on a waiting list for possible ADHD-I after struggling to get taken seriously by my GP for half a year.
I’m trying to shake my gaming addiction and try to get my brain to learn to “do stuff” despite my 3 forms of neurodivergency and history of abuse. Thank fuck for mental health professionals. Dr. K. has had a major impact on my turn around. As well as some manosphere content that makes me want to beat my past enemies out of pure petty spite. Fuck those assholes.
If I had gotten a proper diagnosis, and parents that weren’t so fucking autistic themselves, I probably would have been spared the developmental damages enhanced by the neglect. I’m a one trick pony, and not even good at it.
I am so angry at my folks for having made me on a whim. Then my dad wanting to abort me. My mom considering it, but not doing so because I was a girl. My mom believing girls don’t “get” autism. They understand nothing about the world, and never face their problems. Now that they are old, they are struggling with loneliness and uncertainties. And it all falls on my sister and I to try and “save” them. We raised ourselves because our parents are too autistic to be functional people with functional friendships and functional life goals. And now we have to raise them. It’s like we have adult children with special needs we didn’t ask for.
It’s hard to hide the dissappointment when trying to teach them how to overcome some of their issues. Even though I spew enough salt to defrost the roads to hell, I do understand that their problems stem from neglect and trauma too. We try to help them by trying to combat their loneliness. We try to teach them by being scrict, but with the goal to help them understand why some things are not okay, and how to communicate with us. Sticking to practical easy to understand steps. All the while we try to help ourselves navigate life because no one taught us. Teachers not giving a shit either.
All this lack of understanding and actions to meet my special needs™, resulted in a 28 years of mostly misery and a massive loss of potential. I was extremely observant and terrefyingly rational. Learned how to reason and bargain before I could count to 10. I conciously changed my way of thinking when observing a conflict between my internal struggles, and what my enviroment portrayed. All in favor of my religious upbringing. I was 4 or 5 at the time. I could take apart anything and put it back together in working order. I wasn’t a smart kid, but man would it have helped me if those traits got stimulated.
Now I struggle to keep up with basic life and lack a part of my ability to memorize events on top my autism(s). I barely have enough fight left in me, to bother communicating with nuance. But it helps thinking about who is part of “my tribe.” Those are the people I’ll fight for.
When I look at my autistic friends who are doing much better, I notice that they got proper guidence since they were young.
It’s awkward. You have a problem that autism brings, but at the same time, you can’t really use it as an excuse either and say “oh well, can’t cure autism!” It’s hard to keep looking for options and methods of compensation, especially when faced with so many dead ends. It leads to a lot of self-loathing too. It’s easy to think you’re screwed because you had a garbage start in life. But at the same time, that belief only drags you down. We can’t change our past, or revert the damages. But we can still grow as people. And maybe pave a way for the next set of sad sods struggling with a developmental disorder.
I greatly appreciate your post. I don’t know if my youngest has autism but he definitely has challenges with speech and general communication. I’ll try to remember your experience and not ever write-off my son and say, “that’s just how he is.”
Thank you. Its geniuely very heart warming knowing my post is actually going to help someone out there.
Granted, I will say it’s going to be very hard to get them to open up if they go through something similar. Like if someone asked me how I was going back then I would of said grand (it’s an Irish thing to like keep positive and not make a big fuss over things) .
Just encourage them to be open about there feelings even if they are angry. Teach them how to channel that anger into something productive rather than suppressing it.
I had a similar experience and I dropped out of high school at 14 for a GED because I couldn’t handle it another day. And then college at 22. And then another university at 31. Now I still struggle with the most basic things because I’m only just figuring out why I didn’t get to learn how to deal with trying to exist growing up. It’s very hard and as an adult there’s even less help. I’m very lucky to have an understanding partner and a good therapist because I have no other friends or family and I spiral often. If only someone had told me as a kid, I can’t say I’d be that much different now, but at least I wouldn’t be spending so much energy on trying to figure out what all went wrong back then and maybe I’d have some skills that makes functioning or communicating a little easier.
I was scared at what happened to me when I got really overstimulated, but I didn’t do anything to avoid overstimulation because I didn’t know it was an issue for me.
I also had no coping strategies for executive dysfunction because, again, I didn’t know it was a problem for me, I was just conditioned to think I’m lazy.
I’m so sorry you went through this. Have you found something that helps stop your executive dysfunction?
Just making myself do things is very helpful. I dunno. It’s just that as I have gotten older I find I am better at making myself actually do things. I still have tons of things that I always have on the “I’ll get around to it queue” but I’ve improved especially with school work. One of the things that has motivated me is knowing how much it sucks to fail. How agonising that feeling is. I tell myself “alright do you want to get this done or do you want to hate yourself” sometimes and it seems to work.
I didn’t know, autism, by itself could even impact you this much. I learn well, if someone forces me to do it. The only serious problems I have with autism itself are communication (I can’t communicate well ) and a lot of emotional problems. The other serious problems related to autism, I have, are other people. I don’t have any real friends, I only have some people i manipulated to like me, so I get some basic help if I ask (I did have them in primary school, where I was respected). Anywhere I don’t instantly show a talent, I’m treated like I were stupid. I’m even treated like this in medical settings (which means, it will be harder for me to get any state provided license and a job). So my problem is other people’s low education, not mine.
14 year old me thought of themselves as a weird freak
I didnt struggle at school academically, and I wasnt diagnosed until I was 29, but I felt this too. I didnt know why I was different though.
But I suppose the late diagnosis may have helped me equip myself better when I finally got it with all the new info there is on it. I still feel like (still am) a bit of a weirdo, but ive grown older and and appreciate myself more. Ive dipped my toes into trying to ‘be normal’ in my life and it hasnt really left me feeling happy.
I did okay acedemically in school, but my 20s were extremely hard, and I experienced a lot frustration throughout - good grades doesnt equate to preparedness for adult life, not even a little. Head hitting and meltdowns became very frequent. I got fired a lot of times, it was a struggle to keep my flat.
But I know a lot more about myself now and I mostly do I better job of life because of it.
